


Wait That's Illegal

by AlexTheShipper



Series: That's Illegal [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: BAMF Tony Stark, Canon Divergence - Iron Man 2, Gen, Hydra (Marvel), Legal Drama, Police, SHIELD, Tony Stark Defense Squad, Tony Stark Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-02-23 13:56:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23545924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexTheShipper/pseuds/AlexTheShipper
Summary: When Coulson threaten's to tase Tony, a man with an electromagnet implanted in his chest, Tony takes it as the death threat that it is and calls the cops....A marvel universe where SHIELD became a non-issue in Ironman 2
Series: That's Illegal [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1703194
Comments: 410
Kudos: 1239
Collections: Iron Man





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have added this to another series That's Illegal, fic 2 in that series is a much more polished version of this fic which includes scenes with Fury, among other things.

Natasha follows Fury’s lead and makes an exit, and Tony is fuming. He forces himself to take a deep breath and turns to Coulson and his goons.

“Please. First thing, I need a little bodywork. I’ll put in a little time at the lab. If we could send one of your goon squad down to The Coffee Bean, Cross Creek, for a Starbucks run, or something like that, that’d be nice.” He doesn’t think a little coffee is too much to ask for considering the whole breaking and entering. He could use some space to calm down anyways, his blood is boiling.

“I’m not here for that. I’ve been authorized by Director Fury to use any means necessary to keep you on premises. If you attempt to leave or play any games, I will tase you and watch Supernanny while you drool into the carpet. Okay?” Coulson asks, with the bored air of someone who thinks they’re completely in the right, and Tony is beneath them.

“No.” Tony decides, finally giving Coulson his full attention. Coulson tries to hide his surprise.

“What?” He asks, in that tone of voice parents use when they’re giving you a chance to retract a comment. Tony’s not going to change his answer.

“Can’t you hear?” He asks. “I said no, not okay.” Coulson’s hand twitches towards his hip. “I have already put up with a lot from your bullshit organization, but I will not accept death threats in my own home. Get out.” He says, gesturing towards the door. Coulson has the audacity to roll his eyes.

“I’d hardly call a taser a death threat.” He says, as if Tony’s an idiot. Tony wants to tear his head off for that, and maybe it’s the heavy metal poisoning, but he doesn’t think he’s ever been this angry in his life.

“Oh sure, I doubt a few hundred volts of electricity would have any adverse effects on the electromagnet that prevents my heart from being shredded by shrapnel, how silly of me.” Tony says, with as much scorn as he can. Coulson glances at him.

“Just do what Fury told you to.” Coulson orders, and Tony is not taking orders from these people. Not listening to people who throw threats around like they mean nothing. They only care about what Tony can do for them, that’s the point of this whole game.

“No. Nick ain’t my boss, and he never will be.” Tony says, voice low and threatening. “I don’t care about your games, I’m done.” He turns away from Coulson, typing on the keyboard in the bar.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Coulson asks, and Tony’s fingers fly over the keyboard as he scans Jarvis’ code for damage.

“You aren’t in charge of me.” Tony says, not answering his question. “At the moment you are breaking and entering, you’ve threatened me, Natashalie is committing corporate espionage, and you have both hacked my private servers.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Coulson asks, a challenge.

“I’m going to contact my lawyers.” He informs the man.

“You don’t want to do that.” Coulson says, and Tony keeps typing, plugging up the holes in his security as he repairs them.

“Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to reveal your super-secret organization without so much as an NDA and then threatened me in my own home.” He finishes the repaid, and initiates Jarvis’ boot up. “You up buddy?”

“Of course, Sir.” Jarvis replies, and Tony is relieved that he’s okay. “What can I do for you?”

“Let’s take out some trash Jarvis.” He says, pulling up the footage of Coulson’s threat. “J, contact my lawyer, and the media. I don’t want this swept under the rug.” He announces, and Coulson lurches to his feet. “If agent Coulson harms me in anyway I want every single bit of information we have about SHIELD leaked, every bit of footage we have, every file you can get on their server. Send it to every agency on the planet.”

“Stark, I’m telling you, you don’t want to do this.” Coulson says, hand up in a placating way. Tony glances towards him, allows a moment of silence as he traces the hack back to their servers.

“You’re right.” He says. “I don’t.” Coulson visibly sags in relief, and Tony wants to laugh. “Want is hardly relevant with the number of laws your organization has broken today alone. I can hardly allow this to continue. Imagine how many people without my influence you all have disappeared. I wouldn’t be a hero if I didn’t take down the bad guy. I’m sure you understand.”

“We aren’t the bad guy’s Stark.” Coulson says, and it might have been believable if Tony wasn’t looking at a list of people SHIELD had imprisoned purely because they had abilities more than human.

“Funny the list of human rights violations a mile long, and wrongful imprisonments really sends a different message.” Tony whistles softly, and if he wanted to dismantle the organization now, he needs to.

“Stark, I can’t let you do this.” Coulson takes a step towards him. Tony glances towards him.

“Jarvis, knockout protocol, get the cops here asap.” Coulson and the goon squad drop like sacks of potatoes. “Notify the FBI and the media while you’re at it and make sure each one knows the other has been notified.”

“My pleasure, Sir. I must say you’re being incredibly responsible about this.” Jarvis says, and Tony smiles at him.

“Don’t think I can’t tell you’re mocking me; I will donate you to a community college.” Tony threatens. “Keep digging through SHIELD, I’m gonna look at what dear old dad left me.” He rolls his eyes at the thought.

He’s watching the stupid tape when it clicks. He can save himself.

“Jarvis, I found something.” Tony says, and glances up.

“As have I sir. It seems that SHIELD has a bit of an infestation.” Jarvis says, “There’s an entire second system underneath SHIELD’S systems, seems like Hydra.”

“Well shit. Keep digging see if you can separate the two at all. I’m gonna go into hardware mode I think I can fix this.” He gestures to his own chest.

“Of course, The FBI are on the way, should be arriving within 20 minutes, the cops are 15 minutes out.” Jarvis announces. “Nick Fury, seems to be on his way back.”

“You know what to do. Knockout protocol the moment he steps on the premises.” Tony says, putting on some safety goggles and grabbing a sledge hammer. “Let’s get to work.” 

He’s barely started when the cops arrive.

“Hello Mr. Stark.” The Officer greets, she’s a no-nonsense looking kind of girl. Tony glances at her assessing.

“Hi, as Jarvis mentioned I’ve had some unwelcome visitors.” He leads her into the house. “We managed to incapacitate them, but I want to make sure this doesn’t get swept under the rug.”

“Of course, Mr. Stark. Malibu PD takes breaking and entering very seriously.” She assures him. He glances at her.

“They’re part of a government organization, super shady.” He explains, “This one,” He points to Coulson. “Threatened to tase me which with my heart condition could kill me. That one.” He points to Fury. “Had him hold me in my home against my will, and sent a woman Natasha Romanoff, former KGB spy, into my company. Corporate espionage you know?” The poor officer is wide eyed and shocked.

“Well, I’ll do my best to make sure your case see’s trial.” She assures him.

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ve already contacted the media and the FBI should be here in five minutes.” Tony says. “I’m not letting this disappear. Should be front page news by the end of the day. Especially considering when back tracking a hack on my private servers I found that they’re infested with Hydra. Nazi’s in this day and age.” He shakes his head as the cop cuffs the men on his floor.

“We should probably wait for the feds then.” She says, and it’s clear she doesn’t want to.

“Do you mind explaining everything to them? I’m currently dying of heavy metal poisoning and I just figured out how to not do that.” He explains, and the poor cop stares at him in wide eyed horror.

“Yeah go ahead and take care of that. I’ll explain everything to the feds.” She assures him.

“Thanks, Jarvis can give you footage of anything you need.” He shoots her a thumbs up and heads back to the lab.

“Officer Carson I’d be happy to help you.” Jarvis announces, pulling up footage of Coulson, Nick, and Natasha breaking into the property.


	2. Officer Carson

Kaila Carson has been a police officer in Malibu for a few years now, prior to that she was an officer in Las Vegas, long story short she has seen some shit. This certainly isn’t the first crime scene she’s arrived on to find the assailants unconscious. Nor is it the first time the person reporting the crime was famous. It also won’t be the first time she’s had to liaise with the Fed’s in order to handle a case. 

It is however the first time she will be the arresting officer on a case involving shady secret government organizations, overrun with Nazi’s, who are attempting to take advantage of a dying man in order to achieve some nebulous end goal. That’s new.

“Just when you think you’ve seen everything.” She mumbles to herself. Her partner is greener than grass, and only just managing to make it into the building.

“What’d I miss?” Officer Monroe asks, and she can’t help but roll her eyes.

“A lot, I’m going to need you to accompany our unwelcome guests to the hospitals. Please ensure that they are all handcuffed at all times, and have no access to weapons of any sort.” She says, and the greenie nods, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

“Of course, what are you doing?” Officer Monroe asks.

“I have the unenviable task of talking with the feds when they show up.” She says, and the look of awe on Monroe’s face is ridiculous. “Trust me, not gonna be fun. Call the station and set up a watch on these criminals, they’re part of a dangerous organization and likely to try to escape custody.”

“You can count on me.” Monroe promises, and then salutes before going to oversee the paramedics.

“How can I be of assistance Officer Carson?” A British voice asks, and of course today just keeps getting weirder. “As Sir mentioned I do have security footage for your case, however I will require a copy of it to remain on my servers.”

“Let’s see what you have, Jarvis right?” She asks, turning to the screen as the disembodied voice pulls of footage starting with Natalie Rushman, confirmed to be an ex KGB spy known as the Black Widow, or Natasha Romanova. The first few clips show Natasha Romanova using a fake social in order to gain access to Stark Industries, hacking Mr. Stark’s systems, and injecting him with something against his will.

“Officer Carson, the FBI have arrived.” He informs her. Just great.

“Can you compile a list of each of our suspects crimes along with any evidence you have?” She requests, unsure what the AI is capable of.

“Of course, Officer Carson.” He says, and the screen begins moving rapidly from image to image.

“Thank you.” No reason not to be polite to computers. If they do end up taking over the world, she doesn’t want to give them a reason to hate her. She opens the front door to reveal two FBI agents holding their badges up, a blonde man and a brunette woman. A quick read of their name tags gives her their names. “Hi Agents Barton, and Hill.” She greets, stepping aside to let them in. 

“We’re looking for Tony Stark.” They inform her, walking into the center of the room. A screen behind them flashes the word imposter, and a SHIELD file for each of them.

“I’m afraid he’s busy right now, had some health issues to take care of after the attack. I’m sure you understand.” She explains, mind running a mile a minute as she tries to figure out how to take the both of them down.

Would you like me to neutralize the threat? The screen asks.

“We just have a few questions for him.” Fake FBI agent Barton explains. “It would only take a minute.”

“Of course, and if you would like Jarvis and I would be happy to answer those questions for you.” She says slowly. “If you were actually with the FBI, seeing as you are not, I’m afraid you are under arrest for impersonating a federal agent.” She explains, and abruptly finds herself on the business end of two guns.

“We just want to recover our people, and put this whole business behind us.” Agent Hill explains, in a tone that makes it seem as if her request is perfectly reasonable.

“Yes.” She says, glancing at the screen, and there’s a sharp crackle as both criminals drop like sacks of potatoes.

“Are you alright Officer Carson?” Jarvis asks, and now this organization has really pissed her off.

“Of course, please add attempted assault of a police officer to their list of crimes and the footage of that altercation.” She requests, handcuffing each of them, and radioing in for backup and another ambulance.

“I apologize for the mistake; I hadn’t realized my call was intercepted until they arrived.” Jarvis explains. “The real FBI are in fact on their way, and should be arriving soon. While you wait, I have compiled the list of crimes for you. I have included people who have not committed crimes against Mr. Stark as well as any evidence SHIELD had pertaining to those crimes. There is a facility in the city where they are illegally holding enhanced individuals.”

“Downtown?” She asks, wondering how many times she’d passed the place on patrol.

“Malibu’s warehouse district. It currently contains 14 enhanced individuals, only one of whom has committed a crime to SHIELD’s knowledge.” Jarvis explains.

“What was the crime?” She asks.

“Ms. Velez was convicted of prostitution.” Jarvis replies. So, not something to warrant a permanent lock up in a government facility. Great, gotta love when your government grossly abuses human rights. “I have been working to determine which members of shield are active members of Hydra, and which were unaware of it’s presence, but it is hard to determine as their goals have aligned throughout the organizations history.”

“Fantastic, get me print outs of everything you can before the FBI shows up, I will personally testify in court for this case. I’m not going to watch this get swept under the rug.” She decides.

“Neither are we.” Jarvis assures her, and it’s good to know she isn’t alone in wanting to tear this organization down. “Mr. Stark already has his lawyers working on both his case, and the cases of those wrongfully imprisoned for their abilities.”

“Let him know I appreciate him.” She says, and then the real Fed’s show up, and from there it’s all about how this gets played. How does the government admit to having a shady secret organization that was actually full of Nazi’s without sounding like they’re corrupt?

In the end it’s not that hard, as long as you’re seen arresting everyone involved.


	3. Two Steps Forward

There's another world in another universe where things are different. In that world Tony didn't kick up a fuss. In that world Hydra remained undetected in SHIELD for years. On that earth things were a lot worse. 

But that world is not this world. In this world Hydra was ripped to shreds long before project insight was even a thought. In this world all it took was a team of dedicated lawyers and the eyes of the world. 

In this world Hydra and SHIELD fell with very little fight the organization ripped apart in court. Tony's lawyers are the best in the business and at the end of the day very few of SHIELDS employee's make it out without jail time. 

The court case is brutal though, and not even Tony makes it out unscathed as throughout the process it comes to light that he's spent months wasting away as Shieldra's lawyers try to take advantage of his weakness. 

... ... ...

Pepper and Rhodey corner him in the elevator. 

"Why didn't you tell us?" Pepper asks after the first day in court. She's angry, he understands that. They both are. 

"There was nothing you could have done." He shrugs it off. She rolls her eyes at that, and something in him rears up defensively. "I tried to tell you too. When I gave you the strawberries, sorry about that. Did you guys kno heavy metal poisoning can affect your memory?" 

"I didn't." She admits, and then shakes her head as if to clear it. "Tony." Her tone is both affection and reprimand rolled into one. 

"Pepper." He snarks back, mimicking her tone. She flinches slightly at it, and Rhodey steps in. 

"Tony, you could have told us." Rhodey says, and he seems sincere. "You were dying, you didn't have to do it alone." It's a sweet idea. 

"We all die alone Rhodeybear." Tony shrugs it off. "besides I'm okay now." There's that pinched look of frustration on both of their faces, the look that means he's missing the point. Tony is abruptly aware that the elevator isn't moving. 

This is an intervention. 

"Tony, you were hurting, and instead of turning to us, or anyone, you intentionally pushed us away." Rhodey explains, and Pepper nods along. 

"You should have come to us Tony, we would have been there for you." She says, and he can't help but be skeptical. 

"But, you weren't there." He says, pointing between them. "Despite me waving about a dozen red flags in the air, you were busy running the company." He points to Pepper. "and you were busy with your career." Rhodey. 

"Tony." Rhodey says sadly, and Tony shakes his head. 

"No, I'm right. Jarvis told me repeatedly that my behavior made it obvious I was dying. Pushing people away, that's what people do when they're dying. What'd you call it J?" He asks looking up. 

"A warning sign." Jarvis supplies, and Tony snaps a finger and gestures towards the roof. He's not upset about it, it's just facts. 

"Tony." Pepper says, and he's never understood how she puts so much emotion in a single word. 

"I'm not dying anymore anyways so it doesn't matter." It's not that complicated. If they were so easy to push away why wouldn't that be the solution. It got Rhodey to take the suit, and Pepper to take the company. 

"You're an idiot." Pepper announces, and he's about to argue the merits of his intelligence when he's engulfed in a hug. Rhodey's there too. He doesn't really understand why they're having a group hug in an elevator. 

"Rhodey?" He asks, because Rhodey's always been the best at explaining these things to him. 

"Just accept the affection buddy." Rhodey squeezes tighter. "Just accept it." 

Tony can do that, even if he still doesn't understand why. 

... ... ...

"This isn't working." Pepper says when she breaks up with him the next day. 

"I know." Tony says, even though he doesn't. It hurts. 

"I love you Tony, but this isn't working." She explains. He doesn't understand. 

"Friends?" He asks, because in spite of himself dating her has always felt more like losing something than gaining it. 

"Of course." She promises, and a part of him never expected her to keep it. Still she stops by for dinner twice a week, and they talk more than they have for years. 

It feels good. He missed her. 

... ... ...

SHIELDRA's cases are wrapping up, and Tony tasks his lawyers with something new. Enhanced rights, and specifically the cases involving those disappeared by SHIELD. 

They're making quick work of the court system and are expected to be in the supreme Court soon. Everything is changing so fast Tony can barely keep up. There are enhanced individuals coming out of the woodwork nationwide. Some of them good, like Charles Xavier who runs a school, and others a little off their rocker like Erik Lehnsherr. 

Overall, as far as Tony can tell, Enhanced people are just people. People who have been suffering from discrimination, and unlawful arrests for years. At this point he has very little control over the situation, but he can campaign for them, hire them, and support their voices. 

So he does. Stark Industries becomes the number one employer of enhanced individuals practically overnight. 

His perusing of news stories is interrupted by Jarvis. 

"Sir you may want to see this." A tab opens up, revealing an article about a SHIELD ship that had just returned from a no contact mission in the Arctic. They'd radioed SHIELD and been intercepted. 

Captain America Found, the headline read. 

"J, do they mean his body?" Tony asks, quickly skimming the article. 

"No sir, it appears the serum and cold temperatures has kept Captain Rogers essentially cryogenically frozen." Jarvis explains. 

"Well the old man was right after all." Tony admits with a shrug. "He'll make a great poster boy for the enhanced." He decides then and there that Howard Starks golden boy is not and never will be his problem. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have accidently written Tony on the autistic spectrum in this fic. I have started to headcanon him as autistic in this verse.


	4. A Desert in New Mexico

When a massive alien robot touches down in the middle of an American desert Tony knows that SHIELD would have shoved it under a rug, hidden the truth. 

"Tony I'm being dispatched to handle a threat." Rhodey explains, when the dust settled he'd tried to give back war machine, but Tony couldn't help but thing the world was safer with him. 

"You need some help honey badger?" Tony asks, half teasing even as he calls for the suit. 

"Yes, General MacNamara approver your aid. We've got a big chuck of alien armor that doesn't seem to have anyone in it hell bent on destroying the town of Puente Antiguo in New Mexico." Rhodey explains, and Tony steps into the suit and takes off, pushing the suit to break the sound barrier. 

"Empty suit of armor, are we talking alien tech?" Tony asks, slightly delighted. 

"Considering the guy in the cape trying to fist fight the thing, who knows." Rhodey huffs, and this Tony can't wait to see. 

Tony touches down in New Mexico just in time to see the giant suit of armor bat away the idiot in a cape as if he were little more than a fly. 

"Hey Rhodey, think this thing's intelligent?" He asks, shooting a repulsor blast at it to grab it's attention. It swings at him, slow and clumsy, and Tony dodges. 

"Seems more like a simple automan." Rhodey remarks, as the thing ignores their presence and keeps walking. 

"It's strong." He looks over to the caped crusader who's in a crater in the ground at this point. 

"So we outsmart it." Rhodey says, and maybe it is that easy. "I'm gonna slow it down, see what the solve it squad down there knows." Even as he speaks one of the Vikings hurls itself at the machine. 

"Yo!" Tony says, having the suit broadcast his voice. "What are we fighting?" One of the Vikings looking people shoots him a look. 

"Stay back midgardian, this isn't for you to handle." Tone: Haugty. Jarvis let's him know, and even Tony wasn't going to miss that. Although watching the man get punted by the giant robot is pretty amusing. 

"Loki!" The caped man shouts, climbing out of his crater. Tony prepares to dive down and get the idiot out of harm's way. 

The giant robots head seems to open, a glowing bean coming from within, and Tony rushed to shoot it in the side of the face. 

"Jesus Christ Rhodey." He huffs in disbelief as Shakespeare in the park continues below his feet. 

"Loki, I've come to bargain!" The man shouts and that name rings a bell. All Tony can think of is a snake for some reason. 

"What's he doing?" Rhodey asks. 

"I think he's trying to reason with it." Tony shrugs. "Jarvis where does the name Loki come from? It's on the tip of my tongue." 

"Spare the people of this world, it is my punishment alone." The robot stops then, and turns to look at the man. 

"Shit." Tony dives, grabbing onto the man just as a giant foot lands where he'd been. "What you got a death wish?" He asks. 

"How dare you!" The man roars back, and Tony could swear electricity is cackling. 

"I saved your life knucklehead." Tony defends, dropping the idiot off on the floor. A moment later a hammer flies past his head and into the man's hand. 

"I am prince Thor of Asgard, and I do not need your help." He says, arcs of electricity forming around his hammer.

The big guy tosses the hammer lazily though the big robot thing, destroying it. 

"Oh, my liege I apologize." Tony spits sarcastically, as Rhodey lands next to him. 

"It is alright friend, you did not know." A hand lands on his shoulder and Tony feels himself sink into the ground. Thank science for his suit. 

"Did you say Prince Thor?" Rhodey asks, landing beside Tony. "I'm lieutenant colonel James Rhodes." That's his business voice, and as much as Tony would love to be a part of this conversation there's something more interesting. 

"Thor!" Dr. Foster yells, running towards the brute. "I'm so glad you're okay." 

Tony isn't sure what a brilliant woman like Jane Foster would see in that meat head, but to each their own. 

"Dr. Foster, a pleasure." Tony greets, flipping the faceplate up. "I've read your papers, your work on the Einstein Rosen bridge are amazing, would you consider accepting a grant from Stark Industries?" 

He leads her away, letting Rhodey take point on the alien prince situation. 

"A grant?" She asks, and he's beginning to question if this really is Jane Foster. "Why?" 

"Jane!" The other girl looks scandalized. "You don't ask the nice billionaire why when he's offering money!" 

"If you did want to know though," He gestures towards Thor. "It seems we aren't alone, and researching space is only gonna benefit us."   
  
"Well, if you're-" Jane starts, and her assistant rolls her eyes cutting in. 

"We will happily take your money Mr. Stark!" She announces. 

"Yes thank you Darcy." Jane shakes her head. 

"Perfect, Jarvis you got that?" Tony asks, and once Jarvis confirms he does in fact have it they descend into science talk. 

Meanwhile Rhodey works on setting up diplomatic relations with an alien prince without overstepping his bounds. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note I do like Thor but I also think his and all of Asgard's outlook of Brawn over Brain is ridiculous.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys, any further updates to this work will be taking place under the fic titled Wait That's illegal 2.0. I was really enjoying this fic but wanted to change some things in the earlier chapters and add some scenes so I've done a full rewrite to make the whole thing flow better. If there are any scenes you're curious about feel free to comment I never make promises but your comments often inspire me to add to my works. 

❤️


End file.
